SAY NO TO VERBAL, EMOTIONAL AND PHYSICAL ABUSE IN MARRIAGE.

LONG POST ALERT!!! 

My name is Adiza Kuburah Braimah Sadiq aka. Kuburah Diamonds. My husband and I have known each other for 10 years (dating and marriage) and I am proud to say, at no point was I violent on him and vice versa.

You think if he was I would have stayed with him till now? No way!! Same way if I ever exhibited any form of violence, am sure I wouldn’t have been the one to be called his wife today. 

Let’s not make excuses for other people’s negative actions towards us. There’s nothing like “with time a violent person changes”. In some cases Yes but in most cases No! Their negative ways, once detected early should be stopped, if after efforts in getting them change still proves futile, then you need to advice yourself. 

I won’t  stay it’s been all rosy since my husband and I met each other but if even it was, some roses have thorns so our relationship would still have experienced some rough days literally.  

During our relationship and marriage, we’ve had our own misunderstandings which is normal of every union but my husband have never ever attempted in anyway to go physical on me.  Emphasis on the word “husband” because boyfriend/ girlfriend relationship doesn’t  really count when it comes to the ONLY union the Holy Quran acknowledges regarding man and woman which in term is called MARRIAGE hence “Husband and wife” . The HOLY UNION  “marriage” comes with loads of sacrifices, patience, endurance, commitment and compassion. 

As a married man or woman, lacking  any of these goes a long way to hinder your marriage’s stability. You ought to be much accommodating, less forgiving and more patient. With my little years experience in marriage, I have come to understand this better. It is always easier said than done but it’s also better you psyche your mind from the beginning for your own sanity and your partner’s sanity as a matter of fact. And extensively, for whoever  is related to your union from the Nuclear or extended tie. 

Having misunderstanding in marriage is normal, very normal, typical of the tongue and teeth, they quarrel sometimes but are still together anyways. One can’t function well without the support of the other. They work hand in hand to give us a desired  taste of anything edible. 

This can be correlated to the husband and wife institution. Whether wife or husband, both parties are liable to err regardless how much  they manifest love for  each other but this doesn’t warrant extreme anger to the extent of crossing the boundary. 

Crossing boundaries by ruining insults on your spouse, their parent or anyone close to them or going physical on your partner is not the best of behaviour. Every abuse is abuse regardless the weight, who the culprit is and regardless what the relation is.

Believe it on not, some women are also very violent. But because of societal stigmatization, husbands who are a victim to their wife’s physical abuse rarely don’t come out to speak.

That being said, the Holy Quran which is the highest authority on marriage frowns greatly  on any physical or verbal provocation by a wife or husband. Because this usually will end up causing  any form  of violence by either parties. To me, the wife/ husband who starts a misunderstanding or fight is as guilty as the wife/ husband who commits an abuse on their partners.

As a wife no matter how the world evolves, we are still entreated to stay submissive as possible to our husbands regardless the circumstances. Similarly, husbands are supposed to fulfil their physical, emotional, financial, spiritual and social responsibilities as the husbands they are expected to be from the Holy Book’s preceptive to a fault. 

A wife’s submission doesn’t mean even if the husband  is plugging her eyes out, she should keep silent on it. The Holy Quran have stated the steps in taking to resolve any misunderstanding in marriages. So let’s try and follow the steps in seeking for justice. 

It goes further to tell us how much of a patience “Sabr” we  need as couples. 

But sadly, in this age and time, most selfish husbands are taken advantage of these verses( Ar-Rum: 21, An-Nisa,;19, An-Nisa,; 34-35 ) respectively . To go contrary to the Holy Quran’s elaboration on how to treat  their wives in a way and manner that suits their selfish gains and then later want to shamelessly come back to quote bits of these verses which gives superiority to men in marriage to back their actions and want to force it  down the throats of everyone against their partiality forgetting that the Holy Book talks about a woman’s submission with great deal just as it plays emphasis about responsible men. 

Much as I entreat every woman to be submissive in her marriage, I will also advice  that, if you are a wife and suspect any form of violence by your husband, quickly get some elders which are closer to your respective families to talk to your husband. Don’t wait until things get out of hand before you come crying foul. It would have been too late to correct the situation. 

Also, as wives for a harmonious marriage, let’s be mindful of how we handle situations in our marriages. We were born emotional, some of us extremely emotional but I have come to realise that, emotions doesn’t really work in every marital issues. Sometimes, we got to burry the emotions, deal with the situation thoughtfully and tactically.

If you not happy with the way things are in your marriage, find a respectful  way and manner to send your message across to your husband and vice versa.

No matter how bad you are being treated, I believe it started from somewhere, and you allowed it to grow so don’t wait for  bad things or negative actions of your partner to get out of hand before you think of retaliating or seek for justice. 

Remember, Allah also spoke about retaliation but not in marriage. It spoke about it in connection to murder cases. So if you feel like insulting or harming your spouse back because they hurt you one way or the other, then you are also committing a sin. 

As woman myself, first thing I will tell my fellow married woman if she thinks of retaliating her husband’s wrong doing will be about the fact that she should think about her dignity. Woman guard and guide your dignity so that even if things don’t go well and you are out of the abusive marriage, someday, you are likely to get a potential husband based on your positive record in dealing with whatever situation you were faced with in your past marriage. 

And now to my married men, insulting, beating in a nutshell treating your  wife in a demeaning manner doesn’t mean you are exerting your authority as the head of the family. No! It’s totally wrong and unacceptable! I’am sorry but this only shows how coward  and irresponsible you are and not a  husband of substance. 

As much as you expect your wife to be submissive, also be that responsible man. Give her listening ears and the comforting shoulders to lean on. It’s not always the case of your wife taking delight in ranting and raving for no reason. She may have a point, just listen. 

Also, you don’t have to beat the hell out of her to explain to her your displeasure. Talk to her and if her behaviour still continues, take it before the elders. 

Marriage is a beautiful thing, staying married is very difficult but once you and I decided on the Eve 

of our marriage day, before everyone, and accepted under no duress, that particular man or woman is our husband or wife, it means we thought about it very well and decided that come rain or shine, good or bad (but not extremely bad), sweet or sour to stay married or committed to them as our partners. 

Let’s not allow trivial things to ruin our beautiful union or be blown out of proportion if it can be settled amicably. 

I challenge every married man or woman  to say no to Verbal, Emotional and Physical abuse. 

Assalam!!!

Kuburahdiamonds.blogspot.com

@The Muslim Woman Achiever 

@kuburah Diamon