CHILD BIRTH BEFORE MARRIAGE, THE EMOTIONS AND THE SOCIETAL JUDGEMENT.
“If you abort it I will tell your family and my family and that will be a serious embarrassment to you because abortion is a crime and against Islam given the circumstance you got pregnant.” These were the exact words from my fiancée.
Sadly, my pregnancy issue showed its ugly head at a time my family were waiting to get the marriage date from his family because the knocking ceremony was already done by his family just some months ago.
Dreadfully, it was the most crucial moment of my life. The mere thought about my pregnancy alone scared me to core. I dread public ridicule and family disappointment especially my father.
I was always asking myself why I waited till after dating this guy for almost 6 years and just when we were about marrying I found myself in deep water. I was so disappointed in my own self and for disappointing everybody especially my father in cognizance of the Hoy Quran’s stance on fornication and pregnancy before marriage.
“If abortion of a pregnancy resulting from a proper marriage is haraam under normal circumstances, then it is even more so in cases where the pregnancy results from immorality, because permitting abortion of pregnancy which results from immorality would encourage evil actions and the spread of immorality. One of the basic principles of Islam is that it forbids immorality and all the ways that lead to it, e.g., it forbids tabarruj (wanton display of one’s charms) and free mixing (of men and women).
In addition, an innocent foetus which has committed no sin should not be sacrificed because of a sin committed by someone else. Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning):
“No one laden with burdens can bear another’s burden”
[al-Israa’ 17:15]
From Ahkaam al-Janeen fi’l-Fiqh al-Islami by ‘Umar ibn Muhammad ibn Ibraaheem Ghaanim
Several times, I went to Marie Stopes but interestingly anytime I got there, while waiting in the reception area for my turn, I consciously will call my fiancée just to see if he would have a change of mind so that I can go ahead with the abortion to save all of us from the backlash. He still insisted I keep the baby and kept stressing on the fact that he will tell his parent if I go ahead.
Days turned into weeks as my mind wanders in confusion till I snapped myself out of the bewilderment. I decided: I’d rather listen to him and keep the child than commit an abortion which could even result into infertility and its attendant wahala in future.
After a serious introspection, I took solace in one thing. The person responsible for the pregnancy has accepted it, very proud and positive about it. So, why should I shudder needlessly? Guess what, I decided to keep it and believe me it was the best thing that ever happened to me regardless the backlash and criticism I got from some of my own family members, friends, work mates and the moralists.
Fast forward, the moment I dread came, my father called my siblings and I one evening to my mother’s room to share a word with us. Straightaway, I knew I was dead because anytime he summons us like that it means there is an important matter to discuss. And this time, I did not need anybody to tell me, it was my case.
To my utmost surprise, I found my father speaking in unusual low tone, “my daughter I gave birth to you but I guess the Almighty Allah plans for you is different from mine. I have been told by your husband’s father you are pregnant. It’s ok, it’s fine. Keep it. You know we can’t hide this and still go ahead with the marriage. It will be inappropriate per the dictates of tradition and religion. Just keep it with all the strength in you. Insha Allah, after safe delivery, the marriage ceremony will follow.”
Then he instructed my mother to cook all the healthy meals that can keep an expectant mother and her unborn baby well and fit.
He concluded by saying that if he had all the time on his hands, he would personally drive me to and fro work just to prevent me from seeing or hearing gossips, funny comments and criticisms about me. These last words brought tears to my eyes. It was arguably the most emotional statement from my father ever to me. “Even in my worst moment as a child, I had him still thinking about me like that?”, I asked myself. The tears kept rolling down on my cheeks with sweet bitterness.
From the tone of his voice, I could tell he was disappointed as a father.He was hurt but then again he needed to act as my biggest cheerleader to distract me from doing any harm to myself and the baby.
I came to the realization that my biggest fear wasn’t keeping the pregnancy nor my father. My fear was the society: the community I lived in, the environment I work in and some of the people I called friends. Allah have mercy, the kind of bad things I heard about myself, the verdicts, the negative conclusions and judgement were so unbelievable.
The negative comments kept coming as the days went by. It wasn’t easy. It wasn’t at all. I had to make a conscious effort to be strong not only for myself but for the innocent baby I was carrying.
Society can make you feel dead but living. Society can make you commit suicide within a spilt second. Society can make you lose yourself into nothingness. Society can make you feel worse of a human and can make you go through emotional roller coaster with their utterances, comments, actions, words, statements, judgements and conclusions about you.
I weathered through it all. I learnt something very important and it has brought me this far. Today, that baby I nearly aborted is 3 years old. I would have missed this beautiful bundle of joy but for my supportive fiancé (now husband), my all loving father and helpful family and some friends who didn’t judge me.
Since her birth, my life has assumed a beautiful turn.
Please let’s make a conscious effort to love ourselves well enough.
Don’t seek validation from people. You will end up really disappointed because the people you are trying to please don’t care about you.
Relationship doesn’t guarantee marriage. The number of years you date someone doesn’t mean he has to marry you at the end. You and your partner should talk and plan about the future of your relationship from the onset and not wait until you get pregnant before he decides to marry you or you have to force him too. Men are funny, he will come back and use it against you.
Pregnancy before marriage doesn’t guarantee marriage by all means. For a fact that I married the same person who impregnated me before marriage doesn’t mean that it will be the same for another person who also finds herself in such a situation. People change and so even though your fiancée is the same person who will urge you on to keep the pregnancy, he can have a of mind changed at any given point. Marriages of so many years hit the rock sometimes how much more relationship. Have an open mind.
Don’t settle for less, if it’s not happening as expected or promised by your partner, don’t force or stress. True love never fails. Don’t feel alone in a relationship. Don’t make excuses for your partners flaws. Decisions regarding your relationship shouldn’t be one sided. The effort, affection, concern and love show come from both ends. Be hopeful about your relationship but then again have an open mind.
Everyone’s story is different so don’t compare yourself with others. Often times, the kind of picture our friends paint about their relationship and what we see people put on social media are not the truth in reality. Not all that glitters is gold. The grass in your own compound can be green if you water it.
It is very important, we know that pregnancy before child birth in Islam is a great sin. Because the baby was made out of fornication and Allah frowns on that. However, if you mistakenly find yourself in such a situation, understand that Allah decides. Abortion shouldn’t be the only option. Don’t be hard on yourself else you will end up taking decisions which you will regret later. Make peace with your maker first of all and then show deep regret so Allah will forgive you.
Writer: Adizah Kuburah Braimah
@Kuburah Diamonds The Modern Muslim Woman
kuburahdiamonds@blogspot.com
adizakuburah@live.com
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